A chapter of my life has now ended – in 6 short years I have gone from knowing absolutely no German to university ďegree level! But my love for German and language in general actually started way before I learned my first German word (which happened to be a swear word!) in early 2020, and I don’t think it is going away anytime soon! On the morning of my final exam, I was inundated with lovely messages of support. While I write this, I am looking at a photo of two of the biggest influencers on my journey: a grinning Eilidh is leaning lovingly against Kim while Lilian is on the other side of her, smiling as always! Although a mere snapshot, it is a good representation of the support I have had on this journey. In this article, I will take a look back at the most important events, relationships, and non-events that have shaped me as a linguist, academic, advocate, and overall person – good or bad! In doing so, I shall also give you a front row seat to my view of my childhood and youth. I hope you are sitting comfortably!
Since I was young, the languages of other countries have fascinated me. As a small child, I would happily spend hours in front of Dora the Explorer, quietly taking in the Spanish vocabulary and wondering if Spanish sounded like English in the minds of Spanish speakers (that thought made complete sense in my four-year-old minď!). I was so obsessed that the first 4 or 5 birthday parties I had were Dora-themed. Whenever I wasn’t with my Spanish-speaking, backpack-wearing friend, I always loved it when my nanny counted with me in French, German and Spanish while I was having whatever questionable food she had cooked me for dinner!
At the age of about 8 or 9, I had my first proper encounter with the German language. Green Eggs and Ham was my go-to story of my early childhood and my mum and I had gone to Devon to see her friend, who had twin baby boys at the time and on the floor next to the twins’ play pen I had noticed the familiar dark green book so mum’s friend picked it up and started reading it to me and the boys. However, there was something different about this copy of Green Eggs and Ham. It still featured a guy refusing to eat green eggs and ham anywhere or with anyone, and it still had the fun illustrations, which I loved, but the book wasn’t written in English! When our friend explained that this was the German version of the book because his then-wife was from Germany, I honestly thought that it was the coolest thing ever!
When I got a little older and went into P6, I used to think that our Monday afternoon French lessons were the absolute highlight of the week! I often tried to bring in the bits of French that my nanny had taught me over the years (although I drastically misspelt absolutely everything to start with 😀), but my favourite part of the lessons had to be learning the French way to say things and how nothing really directly translates. So, for example, “I am 10 years old” translates to “J’ai 10 ans”, which really means “I have 10 years”
When I went to high school, I (and I don’t know how everyone managed to miss this massive clue!) I tried to take my first step as a Germanist by choosing German as my foreign language. Unfortunately, I had my first experience of German being quite difficult to find opportunities to study, as I was put into a French class! I can’t even remember what the excuse was for the lack of German, but this inconvenience led me to meet my first linguistic role model! The first half of my first year of French studies was interesting, but it often involved me reading the German posters on the wall in a desperate attempt to ignore my obnoxious, pre-teen, gibbon-like peers. However, French class really got interesting about halfway through this first year when this tall student teacher with a larger-than-life personality and the whitest teeth I had ever seen glided into our classroom! At first, I have to admit, I was a bit put off by this extremely camp stranger because our normal French Teacher, Mr Chisti, was always so serious and calm. It was like a large, rainbowy tornado was suddenly sweeping through the room of Dunfermline High School, throwing glitter and fun onto the once mundane French curriculum, and I hadn’t really met a man who was this “sparkly” before, so I didn’t know how to react! For his debut, the newcomer, Mr Dodds, delivered an amazing presentation on how learning languages improves brain health and employability skills… by the end of this hour, I quietly knew that languages were something I wanted to explore further!!
From then on, Mr Dodds remained at least one of my French teachers each year until I left school in 2021. Over the next 5 years from this initial meeting, i would learn a lot from this man. He always kicked off his lessons with something called “French fact of the day”, which entailed a fascinating (if sometimes totally useless) fact about France or the French language (the most memorable French Fact of the Day has to be that there is a French town called “Corps-Nudés”, which translates to “Naked Bodies” 🤣). But these random facts were just the tip of the iceberg. Mr Dodds always delivered an engaging lesson where I learned a lot of French, but as I matured, I realised I was attracted not only to boys but also to girls. As a very openly gay man and a keen advocate for the LGBTQ+ community, Mr Dodds took the time to support me to discover my own identity as a bisexual young person and become someone that I could talk to. Towards the end of my time at school, he started to study German (maybe even with the Open University if I remember correctly!) to be a German teacher on top of the awesome French and Spanish teacher he already was which meant that, in my last year of school when I had also started to speak a little bit of German, we were able to use German as a secret Lingua Franca to communicate with each other! This always made Mr Dodds’ French class a safe environment for me because any problems were dealt with discreetly (A.K.A in German!) and sorted out.
Despite Mr Dodds’ best efforts, around fourth-year French (specifically the annoying complexity of the grammar) started to confuse the living daylights out of me, and I needed help! Little did I know that this would lead to me meeting my second inspirer! A 23-year-old French and Spanish university graduate named Clare had returned to her former high school to gain experience working in our ASN base, so it was agreed that I would do a bit of French practice with her in my free periods to try and get my mojo back. Up until that point, I had never met another young person who was actually passionate about language, and I remember, in one of our French sessions, looking at her enthusiastically, making French grammar make sense, and thinking, “Wow, could I be like her and do languages at university?!” I knew my grades weren’t that good, so I kept this thought a secret for the next four years, because the idea of me going to university felt like a crazy, very unrealistic ambition!
About 6 months after this interaction with this young woman came the now-famous “start” of my journey as a Germanist, when not one but two German women entered my life in quick succession! Firstly, my school hired a new PSA, Alexandra, who came from somewhere in Germany. I had always been told that Germans were very stern and humourless, so sitting next to someone so bubbly and with a wicked sense of humour had the same effect as meeting Mr Dodds 4 and a half years earlier. I didn’t know how to take her at first; little did I know that this extrovert was about to help me take the first step toward becoming the passionate Germanist I am today.
About one or two months after meeting Alexandra, I had to call on her expertise! Since I was young, I always thought it was best to learn at least a few words of a foreign language before meeting a speaker of that language, and I had just been informed that I would be getting a personal assistant from Germany! Rather conveniently, this occurred when I was about to choose my subjects for S6, so while Alexandra taught me the basics, I signed up to do National 5 German the following year, along with getting my Higher in French, and just to cover all the bases, National 5 Spanish too 😀!
Shortly after I had picked my subjects, my school shut down due to COVID-19. At first, I was a bit worried about what I would do with myself because I was initially classed as vulnerable, and it was unofficially decided that I would shield. My only human contacts were my mum and my care team, so because one of my care team members was now German, I started to find great joy in the German language! My days began to follow the strict regimen of: get up, drink a smoothie, practice German on Rosetta Stone, talk to my mum’s friend (yes, the guy who had read to me years ago!) who used to be a soldier in Germany, lunch, talk to my German PA in whatever fragments of the language i had before the socially compulsory (and often totally cringe) Zoom evening activity that happened to be in store that night!
After a good 7 months of this routine, I had my first in-person German class! The German teacher, Miss Mitchell, had shared my French class with Mr Dodds the previous year, so she was familiar with me. However, the last time she had seen me, I didn’t speak any German, so she got a bit of a shock when the girl who was supposed to be crashing National 5 as a complete beginner turned up already speaking in complex sentences and using the perfekt tense! She would get another big surprise a few months later when I pointed out a grammatical error she had written on the board!
Between German and French, I had 3 of the best teachers! This year, Mr Dodds, who had now become “Andrew” to me, was sharing the class with Claire, who had graduated to probationary teacher and was able to treat whole rooms of children to her sunny, youthful approach to French and Spanish! The two French teachers seemed to have a strong friendship with Miss Mitchell, who toiledin the room between them, which created a sense of harmony in the department. Both Andrew and Miss Mitchell had adopted the custom of giving out chocolate during double periods, which only added to the relaxed vibe. This apparent friendship between the two languages meant that I was really well supported, as the three teachers (which, of course, included the very kind man who had known me since I was 12!) could share ideas on how best to support me.
I really wish that the same could be said about Spanish class, but I had a very different experience from French and German! Like French, the class was split between two teachers, like German. I was the only national 5 in the class and was starting from scratch, but unfortunately, my Spanish teachers were not as good with a non-verbal linguist as the three friends. Ms Parkin, a slight-built, grey-haired woman. She did sometimes spend time teaching me directly, but these occasions were way too rare for such a communication-based subject like a language! Still, her somewhat weak attempt to teach me was better than her colleague’s behaviour. I don’t think that my other Spanish teacher even knew my name!
As I was leaving school, I think that the universe gave me a sign! I’m not a spiritual person, but in hindsight I realise that this little incident led me to meet some of the most important people in my life and to achieve some of my proudest moments, and that is why I think this was perhaps part of a plan. Towards the end of my last year of school, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with myself when I left school, but I had fallen head over heels in love with all things German. Although I was on track to get the first A in my life (in German!) and had a really fun year with Andrew, Clare and Steph (by this time not even Miss Mitchell was bothered about the formality of surnames!), my general experience of academia had been quite negative and often left me feeling dumb. Because of this doing a formal further education course was not something I had any interest in and I had planned to take classes at the Goethe Institute while doing things like volunteering and looking to progress my dance to a professional level. For a couple of years, I was so angry about what happened when I tried to follow this plan but now I am truly grateful:
Shortly before I left school, I emailed the Goethe Institute (in my best German) to enquire about classes and they asked me to describe my communication so I produced a five-page document detailing all of the many different methods that I employ to get my ideas across. Sadly, after reading the meticulously detailed information, the Goethe Institute ultimately decided that I would hold the rest of the students back with my slower communication! I would be leaving school in a matter of weeks and I had ZERO plans!!
A few weeks later and with the countdown clock to my departure getting dangerously low, I was sitting having my lunch when the head of pupil support came into the room and told me that they had found a higher German course being held at Edinburgh College that August and I should do it while I figured out what I was going to do long-term (my volunteering and dance plans had also collapsed). I couldn’t have a complex conversation due to the roast potato in my mouth but even though this was formal education, THIS WAS AN EXCUSE TO STUDY MY BELOVED GERMAN!!! That night I applied, making sure to fill my personal statement with all the reasons why I loved the language! A couple of weeks later and during my last days of having to wear a tie while dodging obnoxious teenagers, I hung back after ġerman class to inform Steph that I had gotten a conditional (although we both knew that the conditions would be well and truly met!) offer for this course! This was a very surreal but proud moment! Steph had met me as a mediocre French student in fifth year but suddenly a very strong 18-year-old Germanist stood before her. Not only that but throughout my whole time at high school, I had coasted through on fails and C’s but for the first time ever, there was no question about whether I could make it!!!
I have always loved animals so it was a very good sign when I joined my first video lecture at college to discover that my new lecturer also appeared to be passionate about four-legged babies! A brunette, middle-aged lady with an English accent and husky voice was hosting the video conference and going through a PowerPoint which had a picture of a cat or a dog on each slide! I had corresponded with Isobel a little bit via email before this morning to discuss my disability and availability for lectures, but as I sat in my pyjamas and listened to her introduction to Higher German, I knew that she and I would be a great team! She had never taught a non-verbal student before and I had never been on a video lecture before so it took us a couple of weeks to figure out how to communicate and work effectively with each other but it wasn’t long before I was contributing the most to the class and loving every moment of my studies!
As Christmas 2021 came and went I started to think about what to do after the course had ended in 5 months time. Although ten times as passionate about German, I didn’t actually have any more skills than the year before so my opportunities were just as sparse! My mum was pushing me to take my dance further but in my heart I knew how unstable the life of a full time dancer was in this post Covid world so I no longer wanted to pursue this career. As the long January nights turned into pleasant warm April evenings I still didn’t have a clue what to do with my life so I decided to do Advanced Higher German to buy myself another year to come up with some sort of plan!
Regrettably, at some point in the summer holidays, I made the rather silly decision to try to take on Advanced Higher French as well as Advanced Higher German and an international dance film project (I’m sitting here giggling at my 19-year-old self because I realise how unrealistic this was!) which meant that the latter half of 2022 was rather stressful and every ounce of my free time had gone and to make the situation worse, a member of my family had become rather ill. However in the midst of all this chaos I read Der Vorleser, a book that -little did i know- would creep back up on me three years later! Although the effects of not speaking French for a year were well and truly beginning to show, German class became my happy place – Isobel’s lectures made me forget about the stress of my life and when I was reading or analysing Der Vorleser, I was no longer in Scotland running around like a headless chicken, I was in Germany trying to make sense of why nobody was stopping a grown woman sleep with a teenage boy and witnessing a very exciting trial of a ex concentration camp guard! To be honest, I only realised that I was doing too much at once in February 2023 when I had a panic attack just before I went into my French prelim! Although this was very scary because at the time, i didn’t understand why I couldn’t catch my breath, this incident turned out to be a good thing! Upon talking about what happened with Caroline, my French tutor, I realised that I was doing so much that I couldn’t do anything sufficiently and I had gotten so worried about this test because I didn’t actually have enough hours in the day to study two languages at such a high level while also trying to choreograph a dance video and that had all led to the panic attack. After I had acknowledged all this, I made the hard decision to withdraw from the Advanced Higher French course and focus on my favourite language – German!!
Having double the study time to dedicate to my German only led to me falling deeper and deeper in love with the language and culture! I had never felt this way about anything! Whenever I wasn’t dancing, I was either in one of Isobel’s captivating lectures, rereading the slides from the previous lecture, treating a piece of homework like a great masterpiece or trying to suss out a complex grammar concept like one might try to suss out a Rubik’s Cube! At some point during this infatuation, the feeling from four years ago came back! I wanted to do German at university!
I am told that love makes people do stupid things… well, I must have fallen victim to this effect because in my passionate state, I totally forgot that I had failed my way through school and had no qualifications apart from foreign languages and tried to apply for a German degree at Edinburgh University! The inevitable rejection should not have come as a surprise! Still, I was taken down a peg when I saw that notice on my UCAS account a few weeks later. As a last-minute plan B, I made a plan to finish my Advanced Higher French and maybe take some kind of English course after the summer both to buy myself one more year to find a long-term plan and so that my lack of English qualifications would stop holding me back in life!
Lying in my bed one night during the Easter holidays, it was already after 1 a.m when my still awake brain had probably the best sequence of ideas it’s ever had! German was my love! It didn’t make sense doing year-long courses in the hope of eventually finding a long-term plan because that was not working! I would still find French difficult because I had been studying German for the last two years! the Open University doesn’t have entry requirements! They probably have German! Maybe I could study there!
The next day I happened to be having lunch with my mum and my aunt so I told them about this idea. To my delight both of them thought that this was an awesome idea and that I should definitely look into it! When college had returned after the break, I wrote to Caroline and asked for her opinion because I felt like because she was expecting me to be in her class the following year and it would be rude to just disappear without including her in my decision! She followed the very logical reasoning that I would be able to work at a much higher SCQF level with a degree than with Advanced Higher and I had her full support! Completely unaware of what it would lead to, I signed up for a BA in German and French (many people don’t know this but even at this early stage, I was very tempted when I saw the German and Law degree when I searched for “German”!) and excitedly emailed Isobel to let her know about my new grand plan!
After my final German exam, I thought I had said farewell to Isobel, left college and the long summer before starting uni had started when one day shortly after the exam, my iPad chimed with an email – an email which I would have to read twice to process! Congratulations you have received the German Student of the Year award… I blink and reread… Congratulations you have received the German Student of the Year award and you are cordially invited to attend the ceremony next month. I couldn’t believe it!!! I interrupted the conversation which was going on between my mum and my assistant to share the massive news but I was so shocked and excited that I couldn’t sign cohearently so it took my mum coming over and physically reading the email for anyone to know what was going on!
Standing on that stage a matter of weeks later has to be one of the proudest moments of my life! As I was presented with the certificate, I remember thinking how I had come further in the last 3 years than I had come during the 17 years prior to sixth year! I just wished I had been able to start learning German earlier! There is a saying that if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its life believing that it’s stupid. I feel like the traditional school subjects like biology, chemistry, history, English and modern studies which I had concerned myself with during my first five years of secondary school were definitely my tree and now I had found my sea in which to swim!
My first few months at the OU didn’t go so well! I loved the German work but upon meeting my first German tutor, I had explained that I was non-verbal in a detailed email about my needs written in her mother tongue, however this somehow got lost in translation because when we met online for the first time, she asked me to turn on my microphone and speak because it would be quicker! First impressions are difficult to get past and my first impression of this woman was that she was impatient and didn’t listen! For this reason, I basically spent the first 5 months of uni teaching myself German and avoiding my tutor (or being ignored by her).
Everything changed one late March day! There was an in-person German event for OU students on in Edinburgh which I didn’t want to go to but I had plucked up every ounce of courage to attend! All the other students looked very much like fully grown adults and even though I was now 20 going on 21, I was still very much in my teenage phase. Once I was settled, I typed and said my first German sentence on my iPad, looked to my left, and there, looking rather amazed, stood a youngish woman with black curly hair. I come from a dark curly-haired family so I was instantly curious to find out more about this mysterious germanist! Before I had the chance to ask even one of the ten thousand questions springing to mind, another woman in a Hedwig jumper with the kindest eyes and biggest smile i had ever seen came over to me and asked me how much German she should speak with me. As I cheerfully explained that I loved the language so she could speak all the German she liked, I could tell that these two women, whom I would find out were called Kim and Lilian, were going to be a big part of my life here at uni.
As part of the morning games, the German students were to play a speed dating game where we had to go round the room asking each other questions. One of the arguments that had been used to persuade me to go was “you might make yourself some new friends”, however I had always struggled to do this so I wasn’t expecting what happened next! I had been oblivious to the American musician sitting at the back of the room admiring the silk scarf on my headrest since I had come in so I was a bit taken aback when we were eventually partnered in this task and she instantly asked me if we could be friends! The woman was very striking! Strong cheekbones sat under pale skin which was framed with a dark bob and contrasted by bright red lips. I didn’t know what to say! Nobody that beautiful had unsarcastically asked me to be their friend before, as I sat there a little stunned for a few minutes, I learned that the woman was called Chloe, she was from Ohio and although she was learning to play the viola, she also wrote techno music. As soon as I had fully processed this situation which had almost felt too good to be true, I decided that this lady was basically the textbook friend for me so I bravely put my heart on the line and agreed!!
I have always been a fiercely independent girl (I think I got this trait from my mum💜) and since I had left school, I very much liked to be in charge of my own education and sort out any problems with it alone! This is why I protested so much against my mum doing what, in hindsight, turned out to be one of the best things that she has ever done for me! When my mum came in to give me my lunch, she told me that she had met someone who was high up in the school of languages and linguistics and she really wanted to tell her about the problems that I was having with my tutor! “Oh my god, no!” I said mortified! I was at university now- I was growing up and my mother definitely should not be solving my problems for me!!
Despite my protests, my mum spoke to Sylvia and within a month I had a new tutor – the first part of the Vienna sandwich that would make up my tutors for the next two and a half years – Elisabeth, who seemed to listen to me and understand my needs! I’m convinced that anyone who was merely doing a job would stop there but not such a unicorn like Sylvia! As mum and Sylvia were having this conversation, Kim and I were sitting a few meters behind them and we are two people with a similar sense of humour and the inability to contain a giggle so (probably after witnessing this chaotic racket) Sylvia also organised me to be in Kim’s group the following year! For the first time in my life, a fancy bigwig truly had my best interests at heart and from then on I would trust Sylvia to help me with any problem that I couldn’t sort out myself!
After getting a distinction for my first year (despite teaching myself all of it!) and with Kim, Chloe, Lilian and Sylvia now in my corner, I started the year on a hopeful note. I had gotten a side job as the student buddy for the German module I had done the previous year., started volunteering as a peer mentor and I was looking forward to working with Kim to hopefully get my second distinction. However, over the summer I had suffered from stomach problems and I had been put on a new medication to try to get things under control, the best way that I can describe the effects of the new tablets on my brain is this: all the glitter and interest that Andrew had hurled on language learning 9 years earlier had been deleted and the subject was left grey! As well as the lack of motivation, my energy also took a hit! Every time I tried to force myself to study, I fell asleep on my desk and sometimes didn’t wake up until an hour or two later! At first we didn’t know what was causing this so it was very worrying that something that had excited me for most of my life suddenly didn’t do it for me anymore! In late October (I remember this because I was dressed as a skeleton when I told Sylvia!) I came to the conclusion that my weird mood was caused by the medication and stopped it. Overnight my energy and my passion for language came back and my goals for the year were saved!
28/01/2025 was both the best day and the worst day of my life and I can’t talk about what made it a great day without discussing what made it a horrible day! I grew up alongside a girl who also had cerebral palsy. Writing this paragraph, I’m listening to a song called “Starke Mädchen” (strong girls), which can’t be a coincidence because Prunella really was a member of the strong girls club! This girl had been born prematurely which led to a more severe form of Cerebral Palsy than mine. Due to her condition, she had stared death in the face many times but always miraculously recovered! However, she had passed away suddenly in her sleep on 11/01/2025 and on this late January morning a memorial was being held for her and (I’m not going to dress it up) I found (and still do) it really hard saying goodbye to this child who had missed her 16th birthday by a mere 4 days! Despite my shock and grief, I had to keep myself together because that afternoon was my first real opportunity to advocate for people like myself and Prunella!
One November evening I had come home after running a workshop for dance teachers on how to make their teaching practice inclusive for any student who wants to take their class to an email from Sylvia asking me if I wanted to do basically the same thing but for languages! I was invited to give a presentation at a teaching forum for staff from the schools of languages, health and social care and education at the OU and blissfully unaware of the impending fate of my friend, I had agreed. When I learned that the funeral was going to be on the same day as this meeting, I decided to be professional and still attend the forum despite being at the funeral that morning. Prunella and her mum were always big advocates for people with disabilities so in a way, it seemed like an appropriate tribute to this little girl who had been taken from us way too soon. 💛
I met Sylvia at the OU office in Edinburgh. Even though it was the first time that we had met in person since our initial encounter at the event 10 months earlier, we had built up quite a strong relationship since then through emailing each other and through me working under her in my two roles in the university so I felt like I really needed to see her after the morning I had just had! Although we had this amazing professional relationship, we went from colleagues to friends when she came to collect me from the grand reception room and take me to the room where we would be joining the video conference from, saw my somewhat tear-stained face and gave me the warmest hug ever!
My new friend sat beside me and read the words that I had written over the Christmas holidays (and sometimes added her own two cents) in her soothing but subtle German accent while I sat beside her ready to answer any questions that anyone had about the presentation. At times I lay my head affectionately on her shoulder and once or twice she paused to quickly kiss this “head parrot”! My presentation was well-received by the teaching staff and sparked some interesting conversation!
The rest of the meeting was really interesting. Sylvia had given me the choice after the presentation whether I wanted to stay for the rest of the meeting or go. In my heart, I knew that if I left, the grief would take over so I had said that if it wasn’t a problem, I would stay. I oversaw some really interesting discussions on trying to work out potential adjustments for hypothetical students with a range of needs, learned about duty of care and witnessed a couple of quotes which, if I’m being honest, Sylvia is never going to live down! Even though I had been in tears earlier that day, I was jumping and dancing for joy as i went back through to the reception room to meet my assistant at the end of the day!
About 6 weeks later Kim inspired me. Since meeting her almost a year earlier, I had always found her extremely cool and looked up to her. This is probably one of the reasons why I had decided to go to the extra-curricular lecture she was giving on an East German prisoner called Elisabeth Graul who she had written part of her PhD on. As I listened to one of my role models discuss Graul and what writing can “do” for us, I started to wonder if a PhD was something that I could potentially do in the future and decided to do some research on this ìdea by reading her dissertation. I had started to suffer mentally from losing Prunella and a number of other issues which had happened subsequently but I felt like reading her work and trying to imagine what I might like to write about for my own PhD helped me (as Sylvia puts it) keep my head above water. Thinking about the future helped me carry on even though I felt like my very world was imploding in front of my eyes! Even though I am not entirely sure of the subject yet, I really do think that doing a PhD is very likely part of my future plan.
Țhis inner chaos pretty much lasted the whole summer! I had good moments such as wearing an antique dirndl to a Eurovision party, going to Germany for the second year in a row, getting my second distinction and having lunch with Sylvia and her dog but the time between these moments was very painful and messy. However, on one August evening, despite the chaotic thoughts, I had a bit of an opithany: shortly after meeting Sylvia for the first time I had decided to change the second language that I was going to study to Spanish because I had felt like my French was too good to start at beginner level but it wasn’t strong enough to jump straight into intermediate level (similar to Advanced Higher level) as I had done with German. On this late summer evening, I was on the way home from swimming in Edinburgh and while I stood at the bus stop waiting for a bus going to Fife, I overheard a couple speaking Spanish. Although Spanish is a beautiful language, hearing it didn’t excite me like hearing German did! As I got on my bus, I realised that I was only studying two languages because modern language teachers in Scotland need two languages in order to practice. But that didn’t even matter now that I was thinking about following my two biggest role models – Kim and Sylvia – down the road of academia. I had spent my free time during the last two years reading about the history of Germany so I could maybe switch my degree to German and history? But the German and law degree that had flirted with me two years ago was still on my mind. Was i really law student material? Could I do law successfully? I remember turning onto the street where I have lived since I was 2 years old and feeling an overwhelming sense of confusion. Was I even sensible in changing my plans? After all, Sylvia had already thought of the perfect Spanish tutor for me and Chloe, whose Spanish was about as good as my German, was looking forward to spending next summer teaching me basic Spanish!
As soon as I got home, i picked up my phone! This situation was so confusing that it called for Sylvia! As I explained why I was suddenly so confused about uni, Sylvia said that I had to do something that I was interested in so I shouldn’t worry about her and Chloe. She went on to suggest that I do some research on both of the subjects so that I could make an informed decision. The next day I read both the descriptions of the Law and Language and History and Language degree courses and decided that I would like to do Law so I put up a post on the OU Facebook page inviting students to share their experiences of studying law. After reading some mixed but a lot of positive accounts of other students’ law studies and emailing student support to check that I didn’t have to redo all my German modules if I changed my course, I eventually made the brave (some say mad) decision to dive into the uncharted waters of legal studies starting 4 months from now!
Most of me is very excited because doing law will surely increase my advocacy skills and it sounds like a really interesting area to study, but a bit of me is really nervous because it is a completely new subject which requires a good memory (people who know me personally will be laughing because I keep a notebook on my desk and if stuff doesn’t get written in the book, is doesn’t get done!😆) and is more work than German but I recently read an amazing book called Letters to a Law Student by Nicholas McBride and as well as many useful tips on studying law at university, he says that whether or not you believe that you can study law, you are right! In other words, believing in yourself is the first step to succeeding as a law student so I am trying to tell the voice of self-doubt which is living in my head to get lost!
After the summer from hell, the day before I started my final year of German, I went to yet another funeral! My grandma’s… i already knew that my grandma loved languages like me, but I discovered a few parallels between Grandma’s life and my life as my aunt stood up and bravely told the 80-year story of Ella Wildridge. As well as a love for German poetry which I also have such a passion for, grandma had also studied German at Edinburgh University just like I had tried to do! I found this a bit funny but also a bit sad: I was one of 5 grandchildren and Grandma always had a preference for my older female cousin so we had never spoken about her studies and when I had applied to Edinburgh, she had already started to get sick so I never told her! Grandma haď met Granddad later in life after his relationship with my Granny had ended so even though this all happened before my birth, there was nothing biological to connect us but I can’t help but think that if we had known about this parallel, we would have bonded better!
After such a heavy summer, I landed in Lilian’s group (although I didn’t even do that successfułly- I spent the first 24 hours with a swiss lady who I had never talked to before and Lilian had to ask where I was 😆) with a whole lot of new problems. Lilian, who had me for a 3-day online school in early March and had been in the background of my life ever since March 2024, had only seen a rather bubbly, confident girl so it took her a bit of time to accept that I was a little bit different (if I’m honest, it also took me a bit to show her the extent of my condition) and that things that were perfectly manageable in March were now giant things which I couldn’t do! However, I have to commend the sheer patience and flexibility of this woman! No matter what silly little thing I was too overwhelmed to do, she never judged and always had a plan B. Also on days when I felt particularly rough could only criticise myself, she would ask me if I would ever talk about someone else the same way as i was talking about myself or just talk about how enriching it was working with me. 💜
At the end of the year, I would have to do an assessment which involved a spontaneous conversation with Lilian which would prove to be a big stresser for Lilian and I. Because of how I communicate, it was inevitable that the module team would have to make some kind of adjustment. After a few weeks of discussing how to give me the spontaneous element of the exam, it was decided that I would communicate using the chat on Adobe Connect instead of talking verbally. This instantly worried me! Adobe Connect only worked on my laptop and the on-screen keyboard on my laptop was bigger and more sensitive than the one on my iPad which always led to slower typing and more typos! Would the typos affect my mark? A bigger worry: although I knew how kind Lilian was, I was still haunted by the experience with my first tutor and a part of me was so anxious that this Austrian Angel would suddenly lose all of her patience and say something similar (to people who know Lilian: yes, I do realise that this is really really silly! 🤣) but I didn’t want to say anything about my worries because I had grown up with the strictness of the SQA and I had had it drilled into me that once an adjustment has been made, you are not allowed to ask for a further adjustment so other than telling Lilian that I was feeling anxious about the exam, I mostly kept quiet about the reasons why.
Sylvia has always been particularly gifted at getting the truth out of me (I could never plan a surprise party for that woman 😀) and one February night I confessed all of the reasons why I was so anxious! She was of course told about what my first tutor had done when she had met me almost 2 years ago but there was another story that she heard for the first time. After I had shared my case, she decided that I could do the exam on Teams so that I could use my iPad! I didn’t believe the words appearing on my phone from my dear friend and had to ask her if she was sure that we could do that! I find, after two years of knowing the good lady doctor, that asking Sylvia if she is sure about an idea that she has to help me is much reminiscent of asking the Pope if he is sure that he is Catholic! Despite this, I was still surprised to hear that yes, she was sure and if I did her a favour and emailed Lilian about this idea and copied her in, she could check that Lilian was also on board with it and then simply tell the module team that this was the best way to support me with my disability! When Lilian confirmed that she had no problems if this would reduce my anxiety, Sylvia set about notifying the module team! Another problem solved by merely talking to this rather formidable East German woman 💪!
A date was set for the new adjusted exam. April 27th. Originally I had planned to do it on my 23rd birthday, April 30th, because I was in a dance show on Lilian’s other available exam slot, but the new arrangement meant that we could go rogue and pick a date that suited both of us. The plan started to fall into place and I slipped into a sense of security. I knew exactly what I was doing- the exam would be at 12, so I would get up and have plenty of time to have my breakfast, shower and get ready… or so we thought!!!
About a week after all these plans were laid down, another spanner was thrown in the works! It was a Friday night and I had been watching Nüremberg (brilliant movie if you are transitioning from German to Law by the way) and on my way to bed, I checked my iPad and noticed 2 emails from Lilian. The first one was just lovely photos of some artwork she had done but my stomach dropped as I read the second one! Lilian would be going on medical leave on the 20th and wouldn’t be back in time for the end of the exam window so the other day that I could possibly do the exam was the 18th… when I had my last rehearsal for the show! 😱 It was already after 11 p.m so I didn’t have time to email her back that night. As I lay in my bed with this news going around in my head, the exact symptoms that I had three years earlier before the French prelim came back! My heart raced, cold sweat was starting to erupt from my skin and I couldn’t catch my breath! For the past year or so, I have been working on calming techniques but every time I thought I had gotten myself out of the panic attack and rolled over to go to sleep, the anxiety and physical symptoms came straight back!!!
The morning after this extremely long night, I emailed Lilian (with a couple of strong emojis) and explained the problem. I also decided to tell her about the night before because I had told her previously the story of the French prelim. I was still extremely anxious even though it was a bit easier to breathe now and because it was now Saturday morning, i was expecting to have to stay this way for the next 48 hours. I was actually writing my article “ The Death of Modern Languages” at the time and I remember that my brain was going so fast that I could barely write! Then, that evening, Lilian showed me exactly why I love her!
Over the Christmas holidays, I emailed Lilian about a small crisis that I thought would affect my studies and despite it being the weird period between Christmas and New Year, she emailed me back the next day! Although this was a very kind thing that I will always be grateful for, I had gently told her off for working when she wasn’t supposed to! It became very apparent that she hadn’t listened to a word of this advice when, on this Saturday evening, an email popped up on my iPad from the lady herself telling me that a solution would be found and keine Panik auf der Titanic (no panic on the Titanic). I love rhyming phrases, especially silly ones so this conclusion made me giggle and come out of my mood and then I could really trust her that everything would be ok! I was so grateful that I didn’t even tell her off for working too much but instead asked her why she was writing to me. At this, she explained that she had a feeling that I would be anxious so she wanted to check if I had replied! I believe that in the world there are 2 kinds of teachers: the breed that merely teach the subject and the Lilians and Kims of the world who just look after their students even if it requires going a little beyond the job description sometimes! 💛💜🖤
Just like she promised, Lilian wrote to the module team and asked if we could do the exam the day before the window opened and thank goodness they said yes! We made a new plan that we would meet for a rehearsal on the 12th before doing the real thing and most of my anxiety disappeared. Despite this, the thoughts of my first tutor hung around and soon thoughts of me being under so much pressure that I forget all my German would join the storm in my head! Recently, in a reel on Instagram, I learned the German verb “verschłimmbessern” which means to make something worse while trying to make it better and I love my friend Julia very much but this is just what she did to my anxiety!
When I was at school, I learned that the chat only works on Teams if at least two people have the same ending on their email addresses. Forgetting this, Julia and I tried to meet on Teams to practice before the rehearsal 4 days later. When I turned up and discovered that I couldn’t communicate with my friend, my mind began to race. Half of my brain realised that this probably wouldn’t happen with Lilian because we had a successful Teams meeting in January when we were discussing my dissertation plans and anyway, both of our email addresses ended with @open.ac.uk. However, the louder voice in my head was telling me that the same problem might occur when I met my favourite Austrian and I would be able to do my exam!
On the morning of the rehearsal, my chest felt like I could have a panic attack at any moment and I had to read my law book to keep my lungs under control! However, I started to feel better when I met Lilian and discovered that I could communicate just fine! I could physically feel my heart gradually slow down and my breathing get easier the more I talked with this kind eyed force of nature! The weekend had been really rough and I got so anxious that Sylvia had to soothe me so I was so pleased when I came off the call and was able to tell her that I now felt ok and was able to proceed with the planned exam on Friday!
Despite having written myself a nice list of reminders, I woke up on the morning of my exam so nervous that I felt very sick and everything that I ate sat uneasily in my stomach like it could have an encore at any moment! My anxiety started to wane a little bit when Kim emailed me with words of support and encouragement and even less when Sylvia sent the loveliest voicenote (with added bark, which I like to think was her gorgeous collie trying to cheer me on too!) telling me that I could do this and not to stress! I was still a little bit unsure about the exam but one thing that I was sure about was the fact that I now had a community around me and a uni family who I am under strict orders not to leave behind when I go to law school (why would I even want to?!💜).
I had told Lilian that I was feeling a little nervous that morning when she thanked me for something that I had given her. So before she started the recording she wanted to do some box breathing at the start of the call so that I could relax a bit… what she didn’t know was that her microphone was on mute! For the first five minutes, I just sat there helpless with laughter watching her talk to herself! 🤣 After she had eventually realised what was so funny and had led the exercise properly, I felt much calmer and I was ready to go!
For the exam, students were given a selection of German-language books and films to choose from to discuss. The selection included Der Vorleser so I decided to give myself an advantage and pick this very familiar novel that I had analysed to death at 19 years old! I had even looked out my old essay in the process of revising so I probably had a good advantage compared to my colleagues! However, my new choice of degree did make complete sense when I did some research on the author. As well as a writer, Bernard Schlink was a judge and law professor! I wonder now if studying Der Vorleser somehow influenced my future choices? It surely can’t be a coincidence that the author of the book I’ve studied twice is literally a human embodiment of the degree I’m doing!
I don’t find out the results of the exam until July (there is a possibility that I will read this sacred email on a train somewhere in Europe) so I don’t think it would be wise if I tried to count my chickens before they hatch and tell you how it went. However after the exam Lilian actually took the time to email me to say that she was proud of me 💛. I found this really touching because I had really relied on her through all the sțress of getting ready for this exam and she was about to go on her leave so she surely had other things to do, more important than praising a young woman for merely doing what she was required to do! After I had completed the exam, I tried to thank Sylvia for all the support that she had given me over the past three years. As well as her helpfulness and stubbornness when helping, that woman is also far too humble about the help and she tried to tell me that it was all me! I have no idea why she said that because I really don’t think I would have gotten through the last three years – certainly not the last 15 months – without her! Sure, I did all the academic stuff but I feel like she has always been behind the scenes, paving this amazing trail that I’ve blazed! I can’t put into words how grateful I am that even though she has a lot of professional responsibilities, she has chosen to also work so closely with someone like me. 💜
In conclusion, they say it takes a village to raise a child. Well, tomorrow is my 23rd birthday and I can safely say that it has taken 2 sisters, 3 French teachers, 4 German teachers, 1 academic, 1 American and a whole lot of other people who were behind the scenes to raise such a linguist. I may have left formal language education now but the story is far from over. In October I am hoping to give a talk on learning a foreign language when you have cerebral palsy and use a communication device in October and perhaps later, after law school, I would like to work as some kind of education advocate, promoting inclusion and equity in education and hopefully inspiring the next generation of non-verbal linguists!
Eilidh Elizabeth Molly McGrath 💜
Special thanks to
Alexandra McDonald
Alice McGrath
Andrew Dodds
Aoife Hearne
Caroline Cordier
Catriona Parkin
Christine Pleines
Claire Morgan
Elisabeth Clifford
Isobel Maclean
Julia Wilson
Kim Richmond
Kirsten Munn
Lilian Gergely
Lisa Brüggermann
Sonia McGrath
Stephanie Mitchell
Stephen (Rueben) Gannon
Sylvia Warnecke
In memory of
Ella wildridge
Prunella Hay
Susan Jobson
Tom McGrath
The Non Verbal Linguist 